I'm not giving up, I'm just give in.
When I was fourteen years old, my mother passed away during the winter of 2001. It was a very conscious and beautiful death. She was surrounded by loved ones, warm in her bed, prepared as best could be. She even got to say goodbye to all the friends and family and pick out what she would wear and have in her coffin. My mother's death was my first awakening and enlightenment I had experienced in this lifetime (and for that I am so grateful; she is like my Jesus Christ, she saved me! It struck me as this experience taught me that everything happens for a reason and this was a clear example that we are in complete responsibility and control of our lives. Similar to the movie, The Matrix, everything made sense; everything fit. My mother never wanted to grow old. She died at age 49. My mother told me she had a blessed life. She lived out her dreams. Her life goal was to have a beautiful home and family, and that she accomplished. She was fortunate to have had not one but two husbands who cared and loved her dearly in this life. She passed away during the school's winter break, hardly causing any disruption. It all seemed too perfect.
About two years after her death, as individuals we had begun trying to integrate the new changes into our lives. I had took a year off from the private school life I was born into and went to the local public school for a year. There, I met new people and was able to express my individuality. I explored various forms of self expression including dreading my hair. When I returned to the private school, the principal seemed to have it out for me, where she seemed to want to squish my individuality and put me back in line. I remember having a meeting with her where she gave me an ultimatum to 'fit in' and cease my individuality expression or leave the school. She did not flat out tell me to get rid of my dreads but I knew thats what she meant. I was stressed and felt distraught and upset going home on the subway. Beforehand, I had just explained to my friends what was going on and expressed my feelings. I think I remembered expressing how unfair I felt everything was and how singled out I felt due to my circumstances.
On the ride back home on the train, I watched a young girl and her mother interact on the subway. I began to shed tears of inner truth, acknowledgement of simply what was. No matter happens in life or what challenges people or principles I am faced with, nothing is going to change who I am and where I came from. Witnessing that little girl and her mother was like a reflection, a reminder of who I really am and what is inside of me. My appearance is not going to change that. Dreads are not going to change that.
That night, I relinquished those dreadlocks.
About two years after her death, as individuals we had begun trying to integrate the new changes into our lives. I had took a year off from the private school life I was born into and went to the local public school for a year. There, I met new people and was able to express my individuality. I explored various forms of self expression including dreading my hair. When I returned to the private school, the principal seemed to have it out for me, where she seemed to want to squish my individuality and put me back in line. I remember having a meeting with her where she gave me an ultimatum to 'fit in' and cease my individuality expression or leave the school. She did not flat out tell me to get rid of my dreads but I knew thats what she meant. I was stressed and felt distraught and upset going home on the subway. Beforehand, I had just explained to my friends what was going on and expressed my feelings. I think I remembered expressing how unfair I felt everything was and how singled out I felt due to my circumstances.
On the ride back home on the train, I watched a young girl and her mother interact on the subway. I began to shed tears of inner truth, acknowledgement of simply what was. No matter happens in life or what challenges people or principles I am faced with, nothing is going to change who I am and where I came from. Witnessing that little girl and her mother was like a reflection, a reminder of who I really am and what is inside of me. My appearance is not going to change that. Dreads are not going to change that.
That night, I relinquished those dreadlocks.
